Babies delivery and Corporate World

1) Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

And lastly...

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby

Wife Joke

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

Cool Jokes

WOMEN' S REVENGE**

"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I asked, after folding up the items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping
with me, and I figured this was the
most evil thing I could do to him legally."



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
The wife said "See".



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so
I would be attracted to you!

Ultimate Wife Jokes

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

Good Jokes

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

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Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"

Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

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What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

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Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?

B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

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Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs??

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

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Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How urs look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt urs?

1st: Forget mine. Lets find urs!!

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Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential

Dad says, you are my son, im confident. ur friend also my son, that's
confidential!

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Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should
talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.

Mother Faints.

Children Are Children: they are very smart

Little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah" .

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white.



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead...




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples..

Baby's' room

A boy goes to his dad's friend place late at night,
He was told to sleep in baby's room, but he refused and slept in the TV launch to avoid baby.

The next morning he saw a young, charming n very pretty girl on the breakfast table.
Who r u? The boy asked.

I'm baby and u?
Main ullo ka patha :p


............ ......... ......... ......... .....





Son: Abba idher aa

Mother: Aise nahi boltey beta, daddy ko izat k saath bulate hain,

Son: Abba izzat k saath idher aaja.


............ ......... ......... ......... .....





A boy went to meet his girl friend,
When he came at home..
Mom asked: kahan gaye they?
Boy: us se milne,
Mom: kisliye?
Boy: haan bohat kiss liye..:p


............ ......... ......... ......... .....





TEACHER: baccho wada karo kabhi cigaratte, sharaab nahi piyo ge..
BACHE: nahi piyain ge

TEACHER: gals ka peecha nahi karoge, na hi unhain chedo ge..
BACHE: nahi karain ge

TEACHER: or desh pe apni jaan qurbaan ker do gey..
BACHE: ker dain ge. Aisi zindagi ka or kerna b kya.

Why Pappu Failed?

Anger Management

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush

After 50 Years

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Joke

An Indian guy named "Anantharaman Subbaraman" arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name.


He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet.



They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as

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"Anotherman Superman"

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Boss

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"


So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.


The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now ." Pfuffff ……….:p


Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

Joke

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives
complaining of Serious back pain. The doctor examines
him and asks him

" OK,what happened to your back?" The patient replies,

"You know that I work for a local night club? This morning
I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife
and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door
and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I
saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed
the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car
wreck.The doctor said

"My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?" He replied,

"You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was
the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was
running late.I was running out of the building, getting
dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was
hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other
two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks,

"What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Santa Attacks

Santa had always been worried that why he has one brother while his sister has two?????


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Santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."

CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????

SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......


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Santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??

"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"



Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think????????

"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"

Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..

"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"


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After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."


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Bush: Impossible does not come in my dictionary...

Santa: Phir dictionary dhek ke kharidni chahiye thi na. .


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Ekbar light gai hui thi.

SANTA : arre Banta bahuat garmi ho rahi hai, zara pankha lagana..

BANTA : kardi na sardaronwali baat!! Pankha lagaya to moombatti bujh na jayegi??


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Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?

Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!


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Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?

Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.

Teacher : Spell it?

Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.


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Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"

Banta : How do you know??

Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..


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Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.

Police : How the theif did not take TV???

Santa : I was watching TV na....

Sardar Unbeatable

Fuss on Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm in sorrow he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Sardar Strikes Again

Boss: Where were you born?
sardar : Punjab ..
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
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Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
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How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....
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Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.
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Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
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At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand,
oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is
he crying?
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In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
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Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got
irritated...
drank poison & said,
Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
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Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
India Radio!
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Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
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Before and After Marriage

>> Before the marriage:
>>
>> He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
>>
>> She: Do you want me to leave?
>>
>> He: NO! Don't even think about it.
>>
>> She: Do you love me?
>>
>> He: Of course!
>>
>> She: Have you ever cheated on me?
>>
>> He: NO! Why you even asking?
>>
>> She: Will you kiss me?
>>
>> He: Yes!
>>
>> She: Will you hit me?
>>
>> He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
>>
>> She: Can I trust you?
>>
>> Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top

>>!!!!

Husband and Wife

Wife: ?Honey, what are you looking for??

Husband: ?Nothing.?

Wife: ?Nothing..?? You?ve been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour???

Husband: ?I was just looking for the expiration date.?



Wife: ?Do you want dinner??

Husband: ?Sure, what are my choices??

Wife: ?Yes or No.?



Wife: ?What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body??

Husband, after looked at her from head to toe: ?I like your sense of humor.?


Girl to her Boyfriend: ?One kiss and I?ll be yours forever.?

The guy replied: ?Thanks for the warning.?



Son: ?Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.?

Mom: ?Well, you have done the right thing.?

Son: ?But mom, I was sitting on daddy?s lap.?


Interviewer to Millionaire: ?To whom do you own your success as a millionire??

Millionaire: ?I owe everything to my wife.?

Interviewer: ?Wow, she must be a great woman.? ?What were you before married
her??
Millionaire: ?A billionaire.?





Wife: ?You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?

Husband: ?When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.?

Wife: ?You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you??

Husband: ?Yes, I see you photo and say to myself, what other problem can there
be greater than this one??